Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Ella's Guest Blog

I truly believe that the click of opening my laptop is like a siren call to Ella. As soon as she hears it she is next to me, even if she had been lounging somewhere downstairs. She rubs on my legs, and then jumps up next to me, rubs on the computer and then makes her move. She will try to walk across the keyboard, lay her head on it, and bat at the cursor on the screen. At first I thought that she was just being annoying. As a cat she has an uncanny ability to know when her attentions are least welcome. But I have now come to another conclusion, are you ready for it? I think that she wants her own blog, or maybe she just wants to be a guest columnist on mine. Unfortunately she lacks a few things necessary to accomplish her will, namely opposable thumbs and higher thinking skills.
Of course she would probably argue the latter, she will concede the former. And so, today, as my brain begs for spring break to hurry up and get here, I will attempt to channel Ella and allow her to post some of her thoughts. Hopefully she can shed some light on some of her strange behavior, I think that after falling off of the banister she had an epiphany and would like to communicate with us as a means of improving human and cat relations. Hence I present to you Ella’s post, where I will scribe for her dictation.

First and foremost I would like to discuss my food. This is not because I am simply an animal driven by basic instinct, but because I am a foodie, I take great enjoyment from relishing and experimenting with my sustenance, consider me French. I believe that the cat food industry, vets and Hollywood are creating false images and impossible standards of body images that are having a terrible effect on normal cats like me. I may carry a few extra pounds, but I am beautiful just the way I am, I am big and gorgeous and I should have a choice about the diets that I am put on. I really dislike that crappy diet food. The humans mix it with real food, and they should know that I pick out the good stuff and leave the diet food for Louie, or I feed it to that damn Dog. He’ll eat anything. And contrary to what the nice and pretty people who live with me think, it is a big deal when my food is low. It is absolutely unacceptable that I should ever have to worry about the food running out. I hear them mock me, saying that day without food might do me some good. You know if I had a thumb I would call the kitty police, hell if I had a thumb I would feed myself, and rule the world. How would the humans feel if someone told them they could go a few days without food? I mean really!

Now onto my perceived laziness. I firmly contend that the humans are simply jealous. They wish that they could sleep all day, lounging about and occasionally batting at the Dog, just to rile him up. It is not my fault that the good Kitty in the sky decreed that we were to be waited upon by the people on two legs. They drew the genetic short straw, so let them deal with it. I need vast amounts of sleep to conserve energy that is needed for eating, chasing Louie, the Dog and bugs. It is of no use for humans to complain, and it is not necessary to get upset at the times in which I choose to be active. I sleep all day so that I might play at night, some of this may occur on or around your head as you sleep. It would much easier if you accepted it and moved on. And this brings me to my next point, that huge bed that the people on two legs resist sharing. Look, they should really be thankful that we allow them to sleep there, so please stop rolling over on my tail or trying to shoo me away. One would think that they would be happy to share with a higher being such as myself, but no, they are very selfish with that bed!

I am getting sleepy now, so I will finish this post with a final thought. When I have decided that you may pet me, pet me and shut up, you should be happy. Pets lower blood pressure and reduce depression. So really I am doing a lot for you guys, and I must say that I am much underappreciated. That is all for now, I may come back for another post someday, I know that you people desperately need entertainment, but for now I must get a snack and take a nap, preferably in that sunny spot downstairs.
Love and kisses,

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